Talking to my therapist the other day she asked if i find joy in living. That made me pause and think, I realised that not only do i not find joy in life but I never have to me its all just marking time not hoping something better comes along just waiting. I was amazed she did find joy in life that is so alien to me don't get me wrong there are things that make me happy ( my children and Shannon to name the most important) but as far as real joy no I have never felt it and do not have any idea what that's like. I wonder how that can be changed? I am looking at so many things that I need to change if I'm going to continue living for another 40 years sometimes I wonder if its even possible.
I have worn masks my whole life and pretended to be a happy well adjusted person, I just always thought I was normal now I see I am not normal by a long shot i guess to people that have seen me without the masks I come across as conceited and while I can understand why they think that i disagree, I do not think I am better just profoundly different.
I love you. I chose you and chose to stay with you. We are starting to earn money again and get back out of this hole. Joy IS the little things, like your children and spouse.
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