Talking to my therapist the other day she asked if i find joy in living. That made me pause and think, I realised that not only do i not find joy in life but I never have to me its all just marking time not hoping something better comes along just waiting. I was amazed she did find joy in life that is so alien to me don't get me wrong there are things that make me happy ( my children and Shannon to name the most important) but as far as real joy no I have never felt it and do not have any idea what that's like. I wonder how that can be changed? I am looking at so many things that I need to change if I'm going to continue living for another 40 years sometimes I wonder if its even possible.
I have worn masks my whole life and pretended to be a happy well adjusted person, I just always thought I was normal now I see I am not normal by a long shot i guess to people that have seen me without the masks I come across as conceited and while I can understand why they think that i disagree, I do not think I am better just profoundly different.
