Happiness or a lack thereof

Talking to my therapist the other day she asked if i find joy in living. That made me pause and think, I realised that not only do i not find joy in life but I never have to me its all just marking time not hoping something better comes along just waiting. I was amazed she did find joy in life that is so alien to me don't get me wrong there are things that make me happy ( my children and Shannon to name the most important) but as far as real joy no I have never felt it and do not have any idea what that's like. I wonder how that can be changed? I am looking at so many things that I need to change if I'm going to continue living for another 40 years sometimes I wonder if its even possible.
I have worn masks my whole life and pretended to be a happy well adjusted person, I just always thought I was normal now I see I am not normal by a long shot i guess to people that have seen me without the masks I come across as conceited and while I can understand why they think that i disagree, I do not think I am better just profoundly different.

Expensive piss

I have been reading alot about how anti phycotics are not effective in cureing deppresion, and that they just mask the problem and give you expensive piss. Well first off I dont think Bi Polor dissorder is curable, and its such a part of my I wouldnt want it cured if it was. I currently take :
Celexa 40 mg
Vistaril 50 mg
Abilify 5 mg
for the bi polor and :
Ultram 50 mg
Diclofenac 75 mg
Flexeril 10 mg
For degenertive disk in my back and:
Trazodone 100mg
For insomnia
And you know what I feal more in control of my brain then I ever have before.

Churches

we're gonna start taking the kids to a different church every sunday, I am an athiest and Shannon is Hindu but we want the kids to make informed desisions about their beliefs instead of just believing what we do. First up is catholic. I will keep you updated. Stay safe.

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Backstory

Ok so I am 39 almost 40 and i have had the worst year of my life. I was fired from a job I held for 7 years back in may of 2010, then I "accidently" set myself on fire suffering 3rd degree burns on both arms and 2nd degree on my face. then my little brother commited suicide in July( he was the 3rd of my brothers to do so). I was allready depressed by this point, next my wife of 20 years tells me she needs room to find herself and that we are bringing her down. My wafe and I had been in a pollyamourus relationship with a woman for 3 years and we both loved her now my wife (Jessica) says she never loved Shannon (our partner) and she moves out (for a little while she says) . Jessica was our only source of income and left us with no money and 3 boys to raise. so I attempted to kill myself but ended up spending 5 days ia locked mental ward where they stableized my meds. Wile in the ward Shannon attempted suicide but was relised into Jessicas care Jessica took her to our house and left her there shannn passed out for 24 hours before her father came home and found her. so I get out of the hospital and we get Shannon commited. Then Jessica tells me she is not coming back and has been haveing an affair for 2 months. So as it now stands me and Jessica are getting devorced me and Shannon are engaged to be married and we have custady of our three sons Shannon is looking for work and I am going back to school. I now see a phycitrist and a therypist. should bee an interesting year ahead.    Stay safe eveyrone